My first article on this column on November 17, 2013, was titled “What Does Marriage mean to you?” Almost 10 years later, I am forced to ask the same question under different title and circumstances. What is marriage? For me marriage remains “the matrimonial covenant, by which a man and a woman establish between themselves a partnership of the whole life, which is ordered by its nature towards the good of spouses and the procreation and education of offspring…” (Wikipedia). Left with me I will substitute merger for partnership, but it is okay.
The reason I am asking this question again is because many young marriages are collapsing. Some young people have no basic understanding or the implications of the institution they are going into. Some of the implications of the above definition are in the marital vows which we exchanged during our wedding. They are clearer to me almost 25 years after. Let us assume that at the commencement of your marriage, you had this second-hand vehicle without a factory-fitted air conditioner. You used your hard-earned money to install an AC. Your hard-earned money created a new problem for you. If you are stuck in traffic, your engine starts overheating within 30 minutes.
Also, you must open the bonnet of the car every day to check the water level in the radiator and gauge the oil. Many years after marriage, you now drive a vehicle where AC is taken for granted. You can now use the vehicle for a month without opening your bonnet.
You were living in a mini-flat when you got married. Now you live in a mansion. At the beginning of your marriage, sex life was good. You did it in the room, kitchen, bathroom, sitting room, just anywhere, provided there was privacy. Now, sex “once in three months is celebration,” according to a female friend. Her friend who was with her nodded in agreement, while their husbands were there feeling very uncomfortable.
Another friend wanted to do what is every married person’s entitlement. “Ol’boy, the thing no gree get up! Na so me and my wife just dey look each other,” he narrated the experience. Over 30 years ago, the same friend was pounding his chest on his numerous conquests. I felt and still feel that the “over 200 girls” he claimed to have slept with was an exaggeration. How many available girls dey Effurun-Warri that time? But his conquests were many. Now here he was, unable to muster ordinary erection. A common erection was no longer common. The summary of the above is for “better for worse.” You sort out the problem together. Abandoning the marriage or infidelity is not an option.
There are many spouses who used to be very active. They were restless. Today, the boisterousness is gone. Some have gone blind and need assistance in almost all spheres of life. Some have been vanquished by arthritis. Other debilitating illnesses like high blood pressure and diabetes have messed up otherwise boisterous spouses. So what happens? The vow of “in sickness and in health” should reign. You enjoyed the moments when you were both healthy. Now that one of you is sick, the healthy spouse has to stick around. Recently, ace comedian, Julius Agwu, announced that his marriage has packed up. He followed it with an assertion that his wife married him for his money and fame, not love. Remember he had a brain tumour which kept him off the scene for a while. Until his ex-wife comes out to debunk what he said, I believe him.
Marriage is glamour and grind. There is no cherry picking. You cannot choose one and leave the other. That is why it is “for richer for poorer.” In those days, many men got married when they were poor or just starting life with little and became rich after marriage, so cases of wives abandoning their husbands were rare. But some men abandoned the wives they struggled with when they were poor for “more presentable wives” after they became rich or men of substance. The “benevolent” husbands among them simply married additional wives who went to occasions with them. In my part of the world some of these first wives were not educated and “sophisticated” and therefore not “presentable.” These days, many young men marry when they are comfortable and have achieved some relative success. But if they go broke, their wives abandon some of them. They also abandon their husbands if they suffer a debilitating ailments or become handicapped as a result of an accident. Some today’s husband do the same thing. Love has become so conditional. It is very sad.
Some young people see divorce or separation as the first option when marital storms arise. Marriage is not bread and butter. I make that very clear to everyone going into marriage. Marriage can be tough. It is inevitable, but you do not jump out because of flimsy excuses, for instance, “irreconcilable difference.” If you investigate, most times clash of egos and unwillingness to make compromises are the real issues. There are two main conditions I have always believed where marriage might not continue: Marriage contracted based on falsehood (It is up to the deceived party to continue or opt out) and marital violence. Bishop Anthony Ewherido of the Catholic Diocese of Warri put it succinctly. “No one should die in a marriage because of spousal abuses and threats to life. Save your life if you cannot save your marriage.”
You need divine guidance in the choice of a spouse and the grace of God in navigating through marriage. This is something many young people ignore. Agwu mentioned something very important that many young people ignore when preparing for marriage: seeking the face of God. God instituted marriage and created a spouse for you. Pray to God to lead you that spouse. If you are very prayerful the signs will be there for you that this is your future spouse (Gen. 24). The signs will also be there for those you should flee from. Ignoring the danger signals is what has made many married people miserable today.
For many young people, courtship starts and ends with gbenshing (sex). Let us apply common sense here; how many hours can a couple have sex a day, week or month? Minus the time for sex, what happens to the other time which is more? As important as sex is in marriage, there are other equally important, if not more important, aspects of marriage. You ignore them at the peril of your marriage.
Young people continue to get their priorities wrong when preparing for marriage. They spend all the time preparing for the marriage ceremony (wedding) and zero or little time for the marriage (a life-long journey together). Their idea of marriage is about exotic venues, designer IVs, wedding gowns and suits, bridal dresses, choreography of nuptial dance, drinks and food, etc. While I am not against all these, they are the flesh of the marriage ceremony, the embellishments. The main issue is the skeleton of marriage. It starts with a meaningful courtship where the focus is on getting to know whether the person you are dating is suitable as a spouse, seeking the face of God, having a good understanding of the slippery terrain called marriage, etc. Before and after marriage, you have communication, companionship, friendship, gratitude, mutual respect, apologies when you are wrong, a forgiving spirit, compromise, patience, tolerance, etc. These are some of the skeletons of marriage.
Just in case you have forgotten your biology, a skeleton typically provides the following functions for the body, artistic arrangement of the body, protection of delicate organs like the womb, liver, lungs, spinal cord, etc.; manufacture blood for the body, assisting the body to move, holding the teeth, enabling people to breath, etc. The skeletons of marriage are as important and relevant.
