By Francis Ewherido
Once people hear that a marriage has collapsed, the first thing that comes to people’s mind is infidelity. All over the world, infidelity is a major cause of the collapse of marriages. The problem, I guess, is not the act itself, but the betrayal of trust. In Urhoboland where I was born and grew up, in those days, 90 per cent of the married women who cheated would be sacked by their husbands, only about 10 per cent would be forgiven and taken back by their husbands after necessary sacrifices (Iye) have been performed to appease the gods, forefathers and cleanse the woman. As a result of polygamy, the men cannot really be accused of adultery except those who did civil and church wedding.
With reports saying that at least 50 per cent of married men and women in Nigeria cheat or have cheated at some point, the paradigm has definitely shifted. I was stunned when a friend told me recently that in the unlikelihood that his wife cheats, he will not divorce her, he will forgive her and move on with his life. The same person told me 15 years ago that he will “fling” the wife out of the house if he found her cheating. What has changed for him? Let’s leave that for another day and face today’s topic.
The story broke last weekend of a man who allegedly stabbed his wife to death. The issues involved are: there was prior argument over water to take his bath, the man had returned from work in the night to discover there was no water for him to take his bath. He was said to have scolded his wife on why she did not buy water into the empty Jerry cans at home because there is no public water supply in the area. The man ordered his wife to accompany him to buy water in three jerry cans for the house. On the way the woman diverted to buy batteries for their wall clock that had stopped working. Her action stirred up another round of argument as her husband accused her of always buying the wrong battery. He said they had agreed that she should not buy batteries for their wall clock again, as she was always buying the wrong ones. In the course of “the quarrel, she abused my parents, which was a regular thing whenever we quarrelled. When we got home, she continued abusing me. I climbed upstairs, and she followed me, cursing me. When I came downstairs, she still followed me. I got angry.” In the ensuing quarrel, he was said to have made for the kitchen knife and stabbed his wife in the neck, thereby leading to her death. These are story and allegations out there. One person is dead and another facing manslaughter charges.
This brings us to today’s topic: “Catch us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, the vineyards that are in bloom” (Song of Solomon 2:15). What are the little foxes that ruined this marriage? The wife was probably in the house all day, what prevented her from buying water before the arrival of the husband? Life in Lagos is very hectic? It a is no brainer that many Lagosians head for the bathroom once they get home or take dinner first depending on what is more urgent. When the man saw, there was no water, why did he not go there alone to buy the water since he knows where they sell it? Why drag along a wife who never bothered to buy water in the first place?
On the way to buy water, why divert to buy batteries for the clock? How can these batteries be a priority? Everybody has a phone and wristwatch, how many people still remember to look at their clocks in the house? I cannot understand how clock batteries can take precedence over water for the house in this regard. Water is life. This was a wrong time to divert. The man is already upset. This action shows lack of regard for the husband and his feelings. I know many wives also want to “quickly stop” and do something before facing what took them from the house. My wife also does it. But she now knows that once I leave my house for a reason, I want to accomplish that before any other matter. Initially, I used to complain loudly. These days, I grumble without saying a word. Peace must reign, but I see it as lack of focus. But she also has a right to see me lacking flexibility. It is the number 6 or 9 argument, depending on the angle from where you are seeing the number.
She was alleged to continue abusing the husband. Abusiveness (physical or verbal) ultimately provokes violent reactions from some spouses. Many husbands and wives have lost their lives in the process. We should avoid abusive words and actions in marriage, but sometimes, you can only control yourself, not your spouse. But you get to the point where you will lose control of yourself, walk away or flee if you need to. If not, you can find yourself in a similar situation.
It was also alleged that she abused the husband’s parents. That is a no-no in marriage. When I was to get married about 25 years ago, one of the pieces of advice my eldest brother, Fr. Tony, gave us was respect for each other’s family. I have held to that firmly since then. Disagreements with in-laws can happen, but never allow it get to the point of abusing in-laws. The Husband, wife and children, if any, are the immediate family, but some spouses are still well bonded with the families they came from, especially loving and close families. Respect your spouse’s parents, siblings and other close relatives. If they get on your nerves, discuss it with your spouse and find a solution.
Talking about respect, Apostle Paul admonishes, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord…Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Did both of them follow this injunction? How can you stab a woman that you really love? Also, I advise women close to me that many men will take a lot of sh*t from you, but not disrespect. The collapse (once one spouse is dead and another faces time in prison, the marriage is over) of this marriage did not happen overnight. The small foxes that destroyed it have been around. Apparently there was no more love in the marriage.
For the rest of us, what are the small foxes in our marriages that have the capacity to ruin our marriages? They are present in every marriage: impatience, anger, disrespect, avoiding conflicts (you do not avoid conflicts, you resolve them peacefully), unforgiveness, living a false life (do not come to social media to deceive people that your marriage is perfect when it is actually troubled, quietly fix it) and many others. You know what small foxes are threatening or can threaten your marriage. Identify and fix them.
