By Francis Ewherido
I had always hated the idea of full-time housewives. My hatred stemmed from the fact that I felt that every human being should engage in some economic activities or at least exercise her mental muscles. In other cases, I questioned the essence of full-time housewives because I have seen some very lazy full-time housewives. Their houses are unkempt and filthy, the children are ill-mannered, wayward and are not doing well academically. Many of these full-time housewives are mostly on the phone or watching one television series after the other. The question is, why is she at home full-time? Some of them are not even married to comfortable men and the family can do with extra income. I will continue to have issues with some of these scenarios. The COVID-19 pandemic opened our eyes to working from home and earning income. So there is currently a big question mark on full-time housewives. I have also seen men who were breadwinners, but got financially incapacitated by health challenges and unemployment. What becomes of the fate of the family? There are wives who are currently the breadwinners in their families because of loss of job or health challenges of the husbands. What if they were full-time wives?
One of the discussions I would have with my would-be sons-in-law is to get guarantees that my daughters would be allowed to go out there and unleash their potentials on the world. But after marriage if they decide voluntarily to be full-time wives, that is their choice. But looking into their eyes and hearing their dreams, I doubt.
At this stage, let me make some clarifications. I want to separate the grain from the chaff. I was impressed with three full-time housewives I knew personally. One had seven children, the second six and the third five children. They raised outstanding children. There is no black sheep in their families, male or female. The daughters had sound formal education and are very good wife materials. Some are married and doing great in their own families. The males too are well educated and well behaved. The married ones are also doing great with their own families. They are gentlemen, not wife beaters. When I see them, I tell myself that the sacrifice of these women was worth it. They understand parenting.
The truth is lazy housewives cannot raise diligent daughters. Their daughters do not know their right from their left. They do not know how to cook and do laundry even with a washing machine. They do not know how sweep or mop the floor. Their domestic staff do everything. If it was possible, they will even tell domestic staff to give their teenage children their bath, clean their bum-bum and brush their teeth for them. When you ask, they tell you they do not want their daughters to “suffer.” They are building other people’s daughters to the detriment of their daughters. Lazy women’s daughters can only be diligent by default because deliberate actions were not made to groom them.
I have said a few times here. Based on my personal experience and research findings, the first 10 years of a child’s life are the most important in terms of character formation. Once you get the first 10 years of a child right, you just build on that solid foundation from there. Children will always do stupid things and make mistakes as they journey on in life, but as the bible says, “train the child the way he should go and when he grows up, he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6). Responsible mothers raise their daughters knowing they are bringing up wife materials: sound formal education, and teaching them how to juggle work and household chores. If the daughters are the eldest among the children, they participate in raising their younger ones. They join their mothers in the kitchen in cooking meals. If the mother is not at home, they run the home front very well and prepare their fathers’ meals. The presence of domestic staff does not stop the daughters from doing domestic chores. The chores are split between the children and the domestic staff. By the time the daughters attain adulthood, they are complete package.
But these diligent women did not do the work alone, the husbands participated in the upbringing of the children. The husbands of these three women had some common traits. One, they were comfortable enough to provide for their families. I guess this gave the women peace of mind. Two, they were away often for work and business, but when they were around they participated physically in the parenting of the children. One of them is a multi-billionaire, but he always did school runs when he was around to relieve his wife. I did not ask him why, but he probably wanted to be in the children’s lives. They had a driver, but the wife was in the car when he took the children to school. They scarcely had domestic staff, though they could afford a dozen. That is why the daughter is domesticated. She joined her mother in the kitchen. There is a fourth couple. At age 16 to 17, they sent their three children abroad to study. No story of drug addiction, dropping out of school or the other matter we are forbidden from discussing these days, was heard. The eldest daughter is back in Nigeria and happily married with two children. I am not at liberty to disclose their identities, but the first three couples are Urhobo and Isoko, while last couple is Itsekiri and Urhobo. They are all proudly Deltans. We no dey carry last. That is not to say parents of other ethnicities do not bring up great children.
I was watching a video recently where one man was lamenting that his children have abandoned him in his retirement age, having provided for them over the years. He was never in the children’s lives. Even the money he provided was given to the children through their mother, giving the children the impression that their mother was the provider. I wrote an article some time ago that providing money for your children is not enough; be in their lives. Go for their school meetings, attend their sporting activities and other school functions. When you have the time, drive them to school. That is the sacrifice they see, not the school fees you paid, especially when you are rich enough to comfortably pay their bills. The man also reminded me of the fact that we need to prepare for our retirement. From time parents become less of a priority once their children get married and start their own families.
In the mid-90s, my very busy and rich MD always found time to attend the children’s school activities. By the time my children started school, I forgot this valuable lesson. I dropped them sometime in school, but left participation in school activities to my wife. When my eldest daughter was leaving primary school, I went for the “graduation” activities. There I saw one tall girl dancing in Atilogu costumes. I was blown away by her dancing skills. I was enmeshed watching until I looked closely at the face. She was my daughter. I knew she danced well but not traditional dances. It was a wake-up call. Now I attend as many school activities as I can for my children still in school.
