By Francis Ewherido
Let me start on a note of gratitude to all those who reached out to me when the column suddenly stopped a few Saturdays ago. Your love means a lot to me. The sudden interruption was not planned. It only became inevitable purely for personal reasons, but I am happy to be back.
Today’s topic sounds unusual because leaning on spouses is naturally one of the pillars marriages are built on. The primary reason for marriage is companionship and leaning on each other is a form of companionship, so leaning on spouses has no era. It should be a permanent state of marriage. Unfortunately, it is not always so because many issues occur in marriages that make it difficult. Marriage remains a noble institution, but things can become complicated unless couples learn to keep their marriages simple.
Many young people do not seem to understand what marriage is all about. Some feel it is all glitz, marry and live happily thereafter. This is partly true, but marriage is also a tale of the unexpected. Having been in marriage for 25 years and counting and having seen many marriages at close quarters, my favourite marital vows remain: “I, (name), take you, (name), for my lawful wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.” These vows depict the reality of marriages as I have seen them over the years.
I will cite a few examples. I have known a couple for over 20 years now. The woman was pregnant at a time, but had a miscarriage. Right now, they are childless, but have stuck together. Now she’s down with a life-threatening ailment and really frail. The last time I saw them, the husband was right beside her. I was very happy with his devotion.
A very close friend of mine got married over 30 years when an average family size was about four children. They had the first two and that was it. Because we are very close, I could talk, and I told her the last daughter was overdue for a younger sibling. “My brother, na so e suppose be, but as another one nor gree come, wetin I go do now? They never had a third child and the husband did not go out to father more children. The two children are married and they are proud grandparents, living happily.
I was planning to visit a young couple who just had a baby. I had scheduled a visit when he told me that the baby had died, barely a month after delivery. I was gutted, but this is one of the tales of the unexpected that happen in marriage.
I have an old acquaintance. He is late now, but he was stupendously rich, the family remains very comfortable, but the wife gave me an insight into the early stages of their marriage, how they cramped their six children into their small Volkswagen vehicle. Seeing the opulence around them, it is difficult to reconcile their current status with their humble beginning. I have another acquaintance who told me several times how he started his married life in a one-room accommodation. He is a very rich man by any standard today. His humble beginning is distant memory. That is partly why I vehemently disagree with those who say someone who lives in a one room should not marry. For me, where the man is starting from is not as important as where he is going to. As long a man has focus and knows where he is going to, the starting point is immaterial.
I have always believed and I maintain that a man must have two things before marriage: a roof over your head, rented or owned. A squatter or someone who lives with his parents has no business getting married. Every married woman should be queen in her empire, even if it is a single room. Two queens living together with two different husbands under one roof is a breeding ground for conflict. Have your own accommodation before marriage. Two, you should have a regular source of livelihood. It is not proper to marry someone’s daughter when you are unable to feed her. Anyone who has fulfilled these two criteria is good to go materially speaking. What is important is your plan to move from where you are to a higher level. That is why a supportive spouse is very important.
Some of us grew up in homes where our mothers were helpmates to our fathers. They worked hard to put food on the table, a roof over our heads and see us through school. Such teamwork continues till date. Some 10 to 15 years ago, I had older friends who, with their wives, toiled to see their children through school and give them a good life. Some of them who had never been abroad now travel to do omugwo, go on holidays, etc. I feel very happy for them. They are enjoying the fruits of their labour and well done to these children who remembered the sacrifices their parents made for them.
What has been irritating me, which partly prompted today’s column are the posts I read from this indomie and microwave generation. They want everything ready-made before marriage. Marriage is all I have stated above and much more. Marriage is part of life and life is a tale of the unexpected. You can plan, but the unexpected will still occur. So, this fixed mind set on marriage by the younger generation is very defective. I hope they realise these and change their mindsets sooner before they mess up their lives.
The other reason that necessitated today’s article was a call I got from a friend. He just lost his close friend suddenly and he blamed it on pressure from his wife who kept making comparism between him and his peers. I was pissed because that is wrong. There are better ways of inspiring spouses, not eroding their self-esteem. Times are tough and spouses are supposed to stick to each other, not put pressure on spouses. I do not have patience with spouses who put unnecessary pressure on their spouses. Now the husband is dead. With both spouses, they were struggling, how is she going to cope?
Nigerians are going through a lot already. This is no time for spouses to make life more burdensome. Many of those who laboured patiently in the past are now enjoying the fruits of their labour. Marriage is a marathon, not sprint. Do not kill your spouse with stress. Treat each other with love and patience. This generation need to go back to the foundation to understand the essence of marriage before going into it. Too many of them are clueless about what the basics of marriage are.
ADIEU, OLORI FLORENCE WALEADE AJOKE BABAYEMI, Ph.D
Some goodbyes are tough to say. The death of grandma, as I fondly call her, is one of such goodbyes. Grandma was the mother-in-law of one of my brothers, Ufuoma, who recently passed on at the age of 86. Grandma had a personal relationship with virtually every member of the Ewherido Family. Her life reminds me of Philippians 2: 6-8. She was the wife of the late Olufin of Gbongan, Osun State, Oba (Dr.) Solomon Babayemi. She also earned her own Ph.D. She raised six successful children and left behind many grandchildren and great grandchildren.
She had enough worldly possessions and achievements to be very arrogant about, but was embarrassingly humble. She was deeply spiritual. Her life revolved round devotion to God, the work of God and service to humanity. Of course, she was a core family woman and her family extended to in-laws like us. Grandma soaked me she met in prayers anytime I was opportune to meet her. The same applied to others who met her. She was warm and affable. I miss you, grandma. Rest in peace.
