By Francis Ewherido
Last Sunday was Father’s Day. It is belated, but well-wishes can never be late. So, Happy Father’s Day. I read some comments on social media where some people were complaining about the qualifying of some Happy Father’s Day posts with Adjectives like “real” and “good.” Why are they complaining? Who is a father? Is it just a man who impregnated a woman? So because a woman carried a pregnancy, she is a mother? Did the baby suck her breasts? After abandoning him/her at birth, she comes 25 years later to claim she is the mother? I beg clear road make I pass. Fatherhood goes with concomitant responsibilities?
Real or good fathers need all the best wishes in the world. It is not easy to be a good father in today’s challenging world. Fatherhood goes with continuous and enormous responsibilities. Please allow me to borrow from my lecture notes. One, the father is the leader of his household. To be an effective leader, there are three domains of leadership in which every father must play. They are the ability to lead self, the ability to lead others (wife and children individually) and the ability to lead the family as a unit. Self-leadership, to a great extent, determines your success in the other domains of leadership. Self-leadership involves a deep knowledge of self, a set of morally high values that define who you are, self-control and a commitment to the cause of the family (Willie Petersen). A good father (leader) leads by example, not “do as I as say, but do as I do.” A father walks his talk, he puts his mouth where his money is.
Also, a father is a teacher. A teacher is someone who imparts knowledge. A father is a teacher, who helps his children to acquire knowledge, competence and virtues. In addition, a father is a mentor to his children. A mentor is a person who gives a younger or less experienced person guidance and advice over a period of time. Teaching is imparting knowledge, mentorship is also imparting knowledge, but with a view to counsel. Every father should be a mentor to his children.
Bonding is an important part of fatherhood. Every father should intentionally bond with his children to help build a united family. Families bond when they eat together, but there is a shift in paradigm. These days, many families do not often eat together at the table because this “indomie generation” has a different diet from their parents. Also, families scarcely watch television together these days because everyone has a laptop or smartphone. But thankfully many families have WhatsApp groups where the whole family, home and abroad, connect. There is also zoom family meetings. You have to adjust or your family bond will suffer.
Related to bonding is friendship with your children. It is very difficult to be in your children’s lives without being friends with them. Some fathers have challenges being friends and also enforcing discipline. There is no issue at all. When lions are in protected reserves they are taught early to avoid snakes because poisonous snakes kill lions. To do that, they attach a snake-like object to an electric source and simulate snake movement. When the lion attacks the snake-like object, the power source is switched on. The electric shock sends the lion scampering for safety. That way lions learn early in games reserves to avoid snakes. Leadership of your family includes enforcing discipline in the house. Set your boundaries early and let your friendship with your children stay within these boundaries. Friendship is important for you to get into their world to know their pleasures and displeasures, likes and dislikes, joys and pains, decisions and indecisions; agonies and other challenges they face. Armed with the knowledge of their world, you can play your role of a friend, teacher and mentor better. Let us stop here.
As said at the beginning, I got to know of this year’s Father’s Day late. Sometimes I forget important dates. I was with my doctor in 2021 when he fixed my next appointment for 9th of March. I had agreed when my wife said “that will not be possible.” I was angry that she overruled me until she spoke again. “That day is his birthday.” That birthday was very important because I really needed to thank God for sparing my life after a very difficult period.
Happily, my wife remembered Father’s Day and fervently prayed for me. It meant a lot to me. She always remembers important dates and buys me gifts. But there was no gift this year and I am not complaining o! I have no right to complain. Apart from forgetting important dates, I am not a habitual gift buyer, so what right have I to complain? It is a terrible trait that I am ashamed of. Or is it because I am not romantic? I have never bought flowers for her, except the bouquet of flowers during our wedding. Before marriage, I never bought any girl flowers, not even on Valentine’s Day. It is not for lack of awareness. Giving flowers is alien to me.
A few years ago, a woman complained to me that her husband is unromantic during our counselling session. I was upfront with her that I am even guiltier. But I admonished her husband not copy my bad behaviour. He should be romantic. He has money, so he should spoil his wife with gifts, take her out on candlelight dinners and take her on romantic vacations. I scarcely travel without my wife. That is just natural to me, but are those trips within and outside Nigeria romantic vacations? My wife is in a better position to answer that question, but I just love being with her.
During my 40th birthday celebration long ago, I publicly confessed that I am very unromantic. My mischievous friend challenged my wife on how she could agree with me that I am unromantic when she was heavily pregnant with our youngest son. Ability to impregnate your wife is not the same with being romantic. I know what being romantic is, that is why I know that I am not romantic. After my session with the young couple, I decided that I must practice what I counsel (romance). After a few trials, what happened to David when Saul kitted him with coat of armour and a bronze helmet on his head to fight Goliath happened to me; I was not real. Like David I now rely on my sling and smooth stones: caring. It has helped to keep my marriage going for over 24 years now. I take consolation that I am caring, though I am not romantic.
But to other husbands, there is no harm in being romantic and caring at the same time. To Urhobo men and some other Niger Delta men whose ethnicity I don’t want to mention, help to puncture that stereotype that we are not romantic. Don’t allow few bad apples like me mess up the entire basket.
Finally, a father must love his wife. It is not only a biblical injunction, it teaches your sons how to be loving husbands in future.
