By Francis Ewherido
A nuclear family comprises father, mother and the children, while an extended family comprises nuclear family (ies), grandparents, uncles, aunts, nephews, nieces and others. The transition from being a member of a nuclear family to a member of an extended family is so swift that many people, especially in this part of the world, take time to come to terms with it. All it takes is for a member of a nuclear family to get married. Immediately, all other members of the hitherto nuclear family (parents and siblings) become extended family members because a new nuclear family has birthed.
A powerful nuclear family was an aberration in the African society of old. Yes, nuclear families were there, but the lines were blurred. Nuclear families were part of a large extended family, where the real power resided. A mother-in-law could walk in one day and throw out a daughter-in-law, who had “erred” and replace her with another daughter-in-law. Her son accepted it as the decision of the family, especially if his mother had the backing of his father. Extended families determined who their wards married and the families their wards married from or into.
Western civilisation and Christianity, with the accompanying emphasis on the rights of women and greater recognition of the nuclear family, have altered the equation. But some members of the extended family still do not seem to get it. Old habits certainly die hard. A drama played out recently; a bullet from an overzealous security detail of the Speaker of the House of Representatives, Femi Gbajabiamila killed a newspaper vendor in Abuja. The “family” sued Gbajabiamila for N500m. “This monetary demand can never adequately replace or take the place of their son, husband, brother, and breadwinner’s life,” the family said. But barely two days later, the widow of the newspaper vendor came out to dissociate herself from the lawsuit. She said she was satisfied with the promises Gbajabiamila had made to the family (apparently the nuclear family) and would not want to be part of any lawsuit against him. If you look at the above statement from the family, “son” came before “husband,” so it is apparent the extended family made the demand. Her action is, therefore, not surprising. But in the African societies of old her action would have been sacrilegious. In fact, she would not have had the courage to go against the decision of her father-in-law and brothers-in-law. But this is 2020.
I have not heard anything from the deceased’s extended family (father and siblings) since after the widow’s pronouncement. My layman’s mind tells me that the case is dead on arrival in court without the support of the widow, the calibre of the senior advocate that made the demand on behalf of the family notwithstanding. That is how strong the nuclear family has become. If it were in the African society of old, it is the father of the deceased, with the siblings, that would have negotiated with Gbajabiamila and agreed on terms and that would have been the end of the matter. What happens to the widow and her children thereafter would be at the pleasure of the extended family. They might not even get a kobo from the compensation from Gbajabiamila. Like properties of the deceased, the wife and the children would be shared among the extended family. The children might continue to enjoy privileges of children of a family or become domestic servants in the homes of uncles and aunts, depending on the disposition of the relatives they are shared to. That is one aspect of our culture that was not right.
I feel for the extended family though. A child that a mother bore in her womb for nine months and gave suck gets to adulthood and gets married to another woman. The new woman (wife) takes charge. If the man’s mother goes on a visit, she has no rights in his house, especially the kitchen. She eats what is offered her. If the wife is benevolent, she will take time to make her mother-in-law comfortable, but if she sees her as a meddlesome interloper, she is in trouble. She will make the mother-in-law’s stay very uncomfortable. Sometimes, the son sees that things are not right, but he cannot put his finger on it. He is just helpless. Ultimately, the mother-in-law leaves miserable.
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The man’s siblings may not fare better. May be they were living with the big brother before marriage. They might even be the ones in charge of the kitchen. Now, it is not only that they have to relinquish their role as the manager of the kitchen, they now have to be served before they eat. Whereas, they used to cook whatever they liked, now they eat what they are offered. Whereas, before they could take four pieces of meat, now they eat whatever is offered. This is very tough for many people, but that is how it is. You have to get used to it. When my late brother got married, my mother ordered my younger brothers living with him to move out and come back to her house. It is a very simple solution to stave off complications later.
If possible, I prefer young couples, to be left alone to live their lives. The way relatives load the houses of some newly-weds often irritates me. Young people should be allowed to enjoy their marriage. Some young couples, for lack of tact or out of frustration, mismanage their relationship with their spouses’ relatives, who live with them, and that is one of the sources of conflicts in some marriages. For instance, you come back from work to find out that your wife and your mother fought and your wife, being younger and more agile, gave your mother a thorough beating, what do you do? Your wife has an acidic tongue, she taunted your younger brother in your absence that he should move to his own house like his mates. When the taunting got too much, your brother lost his temper and slapped your wife, how do you deal with that? These things are happening and destroying homes. You need wisdom, firmness and a sense of justice to deal with them.
I know some people are waiting for my response on the above scenarios. My question is, why will you marry an ill-mannered girl, who will take the laws into her hands and beat up your aged mother, instead of waiting to report the matter to you? Now that you know the temperament of the two women, why leave them under the same roof? Keep them away from each other. Second, if you know your wife and younger sibling are cat and dog, why put them under the same roof? Help him get an accommodation. Every man has a responsibility to protect his wife against external aggression. Do not put yourself in a position where you find it difficult to perform this duty. As conflict managers say, it is better to build a fence around the cliff than a hospital at the bottom of the cliff. In other words, it is better to avoid crisis than managing it.
My sincere condolences to the deceased family, but when I saw the N500m demanded, my mind went back to the story of veteran journalist. He was sued for millions of naira in the eighties. He became agitated. He was wondering how on earth he was going to get the money until he was assured that the figure was what the plaintiff was asking for; a judge still had to hear the case and determine if he was actually of guilty before an award for damages. But awards by courts are not necessarily what the plaintiff asked for.
In insurance, if the vendor had been killed by an insured vehicle in the speaker’s convoy, the insurance will be liable to pay third party death benefits. Usually life cannot be valued. While the benefit in theory is unlimited, the insurance company has limited resources. Therefore, two major factors that determine how much benefit the next of kin gets are the age of the deceased and his estimated annual income. In the absence of a document stating the next of kin, the payment will likely go to the wife and the children. However you look at it, the nuclear family is on the driver’s seat.
Francis Ewherido is a seasoned relationship, financial and insurance coach. He’s also an author. He can be reached on: mandf13@gmail.com.
